him. Two years ago, I left him because of a step-daughter who'd come to live with us. During my absence, he set up a screen name with a profile that identified him as a "closeted bisexual." Again, he told me he was doing research. We've been back together one year and I've again discovered that he's viewed pictures of nude men. He's also visited sex sites. He accused me of invading his privacy when I approached him with this, and hasn't given me any excuses for his behavior this time. Have I invaded his privacy? Do I have reason to be alarmed?
Very disturbed
Dear Very disturbed: Privacy, schmivacy; don't be distracted. Deception is the priority matter. You're left with the obvious likelihood that he's hiding information on his sexual orientation, and that he's looking to hook up with men. Tell him it's time to be open with you or lose you. Lying and sneaking around is demeaning to you, and his potential sexual activity with multiple partners is a health risk to both of you. If you two work on your marriage positively, then you can both agree on a privacy rule.
Dear Ellie: I lost my first wife to illness, and my second wife had also been widowed. We lived together for several years until our children adjusted. We've been married for five years. I've never looked elsewhere. After working through all our baggage and the kids' feelings, I thought all was going well. But I accidentally discovered that my wife has been corresponding with her first boyfriend, after searching him out on the Internet. I don't know what to do as I cannot trust her anymore.
Sleepless Nights
Dear Sleepless Nights: You've been through too much - personally, and together - to let sleep deprivation cloud your thoughts. Have a clear and comprehensive talk with your wife. You need to know: 1) why she contacted him; 2) what she hoped would happen; 3) why she'd do something so likely to upset you, without telling you; 4) if she's restless, what she'd like to change. Unless there's an acceptable explanation, you two need marital counseling to get past this. When the past has been filled with drama - e.g. death, bereavement, children's reactions - some people need help settling into and accepting the routines of everyday life.
E-mail Ellie at ellie@thestar.ca.
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